(A continuation of my last blog post.)
(If you don’t want to read me rambling self-indulgently, please feel free to skip this post.)
I’ve been trying to understand why I’ve been having such negative feelings about being told there was a two-month delay for my book. Even with all the reasons I listed previously, the disappointment should be something easy to get over.
(Unless part of it is my autistic dislike of changes in schedule, which could also be a factor here.)
It’s hard to explain or even rationalize, but it just feels like…my excitement for the release of my book has just evaporated. It feels like I no longer care about marketing/advertising, because I just want so damn badly to have a book cover and physical copy for myself, and be done with it. I thought I was feeling better about it this morning, but then when I thought, “Now I won’t see the book cover next month, I’ll have to wait another three months,” I felt sad all over again.
To clarify: I still love my book to pieces. At this point, I believe it’s my favorite story I will ever write in my life. It just feels like my ability to care about whether other people will love it has vanished because of the prolonged delay.
A sense of hopelessness has fallen over me, fueled partly by the year of rejection I endured: No one will like this. It’s too “niche.” It won’t find an audience because it’s being published by a small publisher.
These worries aren’t new, but whereas before, they gave me anxiety and the incentive to market/advertise as best as I could…suddenly, I no longer care. Suddenly, I feel like everyone could hate my book, and I don’t care as long as I have a copy for myself.
And this is not a constructive attitude to have, but it is what I’m feeling right now. Because the process has been so long and drawn-out. I never wanted to have my selfish desire to see my book in print outweigh my desire to find an audience (otherwise I just would’ve self-published), and yet that’s what’s happened with this book now.
I love my first novel, but I’ve hated the fact that it’s been in limbo for so long, like a ghost that just can’t find a peaceful rest.
I love my characters, but as much as it hurts to say goodbye…I need to move on.
To other stories, to other markets, and to strive once more to realize my dream of making a living from my books.
I will always love this book of my heart.
But I need to move on.
Rain Symphony 